Not Today

I think today is one of those days. You know the ones where nothing is really wrong or goes wrong, but it feels like everything is wrong and is going wrong. Those days where you can't seem to sync yourself with anyone else around you, including yourself. Those days where life seems a little too serious. Maybe I have too much time to think or maybe I just need to find things to occupy my time, because too much thinking time for me usually results in disaster. I seem to be having these days quite a bit since I've gotten home from Africa. As sad as it is to admit, I feel like a little something is missing from my life by being away. Well, today is not my day and perhaps tomorrow won't be either, but one of these days......I'll get it right :)

Meaningless Banter

I have come to the realization that not everything revolves around me. Crazy, huh? Well, it's true. In fact, not everything revolves around any of us. Sometimes life seems so ridiculous and out of control that I want to scream till I'm blue in the face. Then, there are other times when it's so wonderful and peaceful, I could jump around for days. I really dislike the constant up and down of my emotions, thoughts, and feelings. I would love for a little consistency in my life, but gotta keep things exciting I suppose.

Since being back from Africa, my mind has been going every which way on how to feel and think towards everything and everyone. I am still unsure of most things, but I do know that I have an amazing support group who truly cares for me. Recently I have been pretty down and thinking that no one truly understands me or what is happening in my life. I have been semi shut off to the world/people, but whether anyone would actually notice is unknown. I have developed a great skill of putting up walls or masks when I deem them necessary. When I don't want to let people down by being anything other than my generally chipper self. All this to say, I have slowly realized that life is not as bad as I make it out to be. My roommate Melissa just came back from Guatemala and I was so excited to see her and hear about her experiences. Being with her and talking for even a little while made me see that I get most of my joy through others. I love to hear and retain information about people and their lives and that gives me the greatest joy ever!! So, while yes there is much I could complain about and think "woe is me," I have decided that it's not that serious. I have decided I need to start intentionally working towards a brighter and better me for the days to come.

Nameless

This is a poem I wrote while I was still in Africa. For my African Literature class, our teacher asked us to write a poem, short story, or some type of piece that had to do with Africa or an experience there. While this poem is not directly about me, I was inspired by what I saw around me for 4 months. I saw that life is not really fair and it never will be. I saw that racism is so prevalent no matter where in the world you go. I have not titled this poem and can't seem to find the right title for it, so here it is without a title. It actually took me about 3 weeks to finish, because I could only seem to write 2-4 lines at a time.

My skin defines me more than I knew,

Is a woman like me really somebody new?

Do I not have two eyes and a nose in between,

Are my lips not parted and easily seen?

Two arms, two hands, two legs, two feet,

Is there something I'm missing, am I not quite complete?

My hair is crooked and yours very straight,

Is that a reason to like me or more of me to hate?

My voice is swift and as simple as yours,

But somehow mine's buried and easy to ignore.

I look so unique and separate from you,

Am I unworthy and unlovable because my skin's a different hue?

My heart beats and pumps just as strong,

But something I'm doing will always be wrong.

Tell me I'm ugly, stupid, and plain,

This is my life not a joke or a game.

Can we be equals, together a pair,

Or can I continue to live in despair?

Can I be good enough to stand where you've been,

Can I be free from your bondage of sin?

Love me for my heart, love me for me,

Love me for my depth and not just what you see.

Who do you say that I am?

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." ~E.E. Cummings

I think E.E. Cummings nails this subject on the head. Everyday I find myself in a struggle against myself of who am I really? There are days w

hen, yes I think I have it all figured out, but a new day sheds light on this never-ending path. I see that I am internally asking others, who do you say that I am? Trying to find my validation through others and their acceptance or approval of who I ought to be. This is a road that will surely lead to disaster, but who can stop it? I know I am the only one who can decide who I am or want to be, but in a world that allows me to be a million different things, how do I know which is right? In times when I do struggle like this, I find it best to know that God's way and view of me is truly the only one that matters.

"and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness."

Ephesians 4:24

How can I expect to be someone I'm not? It will never work to try and validate myself by others, because I will never win. There will always be someone who is something I'm not or want and honestly who can uphold those standards? I don't think I'll ever have it all figured out, but it's nice to know that at the end of the day, I can only be who I was made to be; Uatchet Ap-taui Ra, the not really Egyptian, crazy, loud, independent, loving, and free-spirited woman that is made perfect in God's image.

"All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself." ~Ralph Ellison

Time Flies

So, I had decided I wanted to blog while I was gone in Africa and that would be the end of it. However, I actually enjoyed having an escape from everything and being able to write, so I have now decided to keep blogging.

It has been a month and 2 days exactly since I 1st arrived back in the snowy town of Freeport. 5 airports, 4 flights, 2 days without shower and sleep later, I made it back to the people I know and love!! To my surprise, my middle sister Silqet was waiting for me as I got off the plane. I haven't seen her in a year and of course, I cried. Waiting by baggage claim were my mom and oldest sister with balloons and signs to welcome us home. This again caused me to make a scene and cry.(I'm sure my lack of sleep didn't help anything.) After arriving home, I was greeted by a smiling and familiar face of my handsome boyfriend Reuben. This was a fantastic surprise that I couldn't fully appreciate at the time because I was not really awake. Christmas break proved to be a time of too much food, too many people, too many gifts, and a lot of love. I was overwhelmed by everything and still on African time, so I would fall asleep at 5pm and wake up around 2 am and not be able to sleep. I was so excited to see I had lost 15 pounds while in Africa without even trying.(Ladies, go on the Africa diet, works everytime! haha). So, it was a challenge to get back into my eating habits of America and the food, which rarely agreed/agrees with my stomach.

One of the best Christmas gifts. Reuben!

My best friend Allison came to visit me after I got home too.

Mom, Silqet, Me, and Kathleen with our African dresses on Christmas.

My older sisters and I. Me, Kathleen, and Silqet, with my newly shaved head.

My 1st trip to Walmart was quite interesting. I avoided it at all costs, but eventually I had to go. It sounds so silly, but going there now still bothers me for some odd reason. I don't know how to explain myself other than it is weird to have everything at your disposal. Doing laundry in a washer and dryer was probably one of the most exciting moments of returning home!! No longer did I have to spend an entire day scrubbing my clothes to their death and then waiting for them to dry for 2 days. Boy does it feel good!!

My transition back into life here has not been the easiest. Most of my challenges are internal and hard to explain to others. I am sure I sound like a gigantic baby or weirdo when I complain about certain things. And I know I am most likely annoying when I keep saying "When I was in Africa..." But, it was 4 great months of my life that will not soon be forgotten. It is nice to be able to keep in touch so easily with friends from there though. My roommate from Africa and I talk daily and she has been such a great influence for me. We are attempting to help each other through the struggles of being home. I was so happy though to see all my friends and family again. Heading back to Greenville was great because I was able to see my roomie Melissa again!! We had a joyous reunion of course and I was also able to spend time with my good friend Riann.

Mel, Riann, and I on New Year's Eve.

For the new year, I was able to go to Indy and visit Reuben and his family. That was a great little getaway and I had such a good time just relaxing and celebrating his younger sister Logan's 18th birthday. :)

Logan and I at her birthday lunch.

My biggest news of the new year is that I shaved most of my hair off!! I shaved the sides and back of my head and chopped a lot of the middle off too. I was a little hesitant to do it, but decided I better do it now while I am young and crazy already. In the end, I love it and am having a blast trying out new hair styles and watching it grow into awkward patches on my head. haha.

Life in America is so obviously different and I am missing my African family more than I can express, but nothing in life ever comes easy, right? I have wonderful family and friends surrounding me that have helped to make this transition a lot better than it could have been.