5 months

It has been a little over 5 months since I returned home to America from Uganda and time seems to escape me. I feels like it was a year ago that I was off enjoying sunshine and rolexes, but the memories come to me as if it were yesterday. I still struggle with how to integrate my new found faith and wisdom back here in America. I found it was easier than I thought to get caught up in everyday life again. I get so mad at myself sometimes seeing how much I have jumped right back into society and all it has for me. How quickly I grabbed onto consumerism and fashion and let it take me away like a warm breeze. But, alas it is hard to get too caught up in my failures at integration because senior year has taken my thoughts and run off. Graduation has creeped up on me faster than expected. I always thought growing up would be one of the best things about life, but I am not so sure of that now.

Time went way too fast and I'm not sure what I did in the meantime.

I wish I knew what to do with my life or what I should be doing with my life. I need to learn patience and peace, but it's hard when everyone around me is asking, "what are you going to do now?!" I DON'T KNOW!! If I knew, I would probably be telling you. It seems like things fall into place for so many, but then there are those of us who may never know what to do. I am just trying to trust and know that my plan and path are there waiting for me, I just need to find my way to them.

Leave it in the Past

It's such a mystery to me just how easy it is for your past to sneak up on you. A certain scent, laugh, picture, person, moment, or item can suddenly spark your memory to a past person or event that probably changed your life. I mean if it didn't change you in some way, why would it come back, right? Some days I wish to escape my mind and memories and wish they would just stay in the past where they belong.

Those bad memories and moments creep up ever so slyly and seem as if they could devour you. I want to run from them, but where can you hide when they know where to find you already?

I know some of these moments shape who we are and without them we may lose a part of ourselves, but could I not be attained without them? Some days drag on into nights which in turn drag into weeks and then months of memories that won't leave me alone. Just leave them in the past I tell myself, but what happens when the past catches up with you?

Rich Christians

So, our COR topic this semester is Jesus and Money. I remember when we first got this topic last year I was not too happy about it, but returning from Africa and now actually exploring the topic through the class I am finding it rather interesting. It seems the more I dig into it, the more exciting it becomes. I still struggle daily with the question though, is it okay for Christians to be wealthy?! I don't know that I will ever find an answer to fully satisfy the answer I am looking for, but I can't help but ponder it........

Not Today

I think today is one of those days. You know the ones where nothing is really wrong or goes wrong, but it feels like everything is wrong and is going wrong. Those days where you can't seem to sync yourself with anyone else around you, including yourself. Those days where life seems a little too serious. Maybe I have too much time to think or maybe I just need to find things to occupy my time, because too much thinking time for me usually results in disaster. I seem to be having these days quite a bit since I've gotten home from Africa. As sad as it is to admit, I feel like a little something is missing from my life by being away. Well, today is not my day and perhaps tomorrow won't be either, but one of these days......I'll get it right :)

Meaningless Banter

I have come to the realization that not everything revolves around me. Crazy, huh? Well, it's true. In fact, not everything revolves around any of us. Sometimes life seems so ridiculous and out of control that I want to scream till I'm blue in the face. Then, there are other times when it's so wonderful and peaceful, I could jump around for days. I really dislike the constant up and down of my emotions, thoughts, and feelings. I would love for a little consistency in my life, but gotta keep things exciting I suppose.

Since being back from Africa, my mind has been going every which way on how to feel and think towards everything and everyone. I am still unsure of most things, but I do know that I have an amazing support group who truly cares for me. Recently I have been pretty down and thinking that no one truly understands me or what is happening in my life. I have been semi shut off to the world/people, but whether anyone would actually notice is unknown. I have developed a great skill of putting up walls or masks when I deem them necessary. When I don't want to let people down by being anything other than my generally chipper self. All this to say, I have slowly realized that life is not as bad as I make it out to be. My roommate Melissa just came back from Guatemala and I was so excited to see her and hear about her experiences. Being with her and talking for even a little while made me see that I get most of my joy through others. I love to hear and retain information about people and their lives and that gives me the greatest joy ever!! So, while yes there is much I could complain about and think "woe is me," I have decided that it's not that serious. I have decided I need to start intentionally working towards a brighter and better me for the days to come.

Nameless

This is a poem I wrote while I was still in Africa. For my African Literature class, our teacher asked us to write a poem, short story, or some type of piece that had to do with Africa or an experience there. While this poem is not directly about me, I was inspired by what I saw around me for 4 months. I saw that life is not really fair and it never will be. I saw that racism is so prevalent no matter where in the world you go. I have not titled this poem and can't seem to find the right title for it, so here it is without a title. It actually took me about 3 weeks to finish, because I could only seem to write 2-4 lines at a time.

My skin defines me more than I knew,

Is a woman like me really somebody new?

Do I not have two eyes and a nose in between,

Are my lips not parted and easily seen?

Two arms, two hands, two legs, two feet,

Is there something I'm missing, am I not quite complete?

My hair is crooked and yours very straight,

Is that a reason to like me or more of me to hate?

My voice is swift and as simple as yours,

But somehow mine's buried and easy to ignore.

I look so unique and separate from you,

Am I unworthy and unlovable because my skin's a different hue?

My heart beats and pumps just as strong,

But something I'm doing will always be wrong.

Tell me I'm ugly, stupid, and plain,

This is my life not a joke or a game.

Can we be equals, together a pair,

Or can I continue to live in despair?

Can I be good enough to stand where you've been,

Can I be free from your bondage of sin?

Love me for my heart, love me for me,

Love me for my depth and not just what you see.

Who do you say that I am?

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." ~E.E. Cummings

I think E.E. Cummings nails this subject on the head. Everyday I find myself in a struggle against myself of who am I really? There are days w

hen, yes I think I have it all figured out, but a new day sheds light on this never-ending path. I see that I am internally asking others, who do you say that I am? Trying to find my validation through others and their acceptance or approval of who I ought to be. This is a road that will surely lead to disaster, but who can stop it? I know I am the only one who can decide who I am or want to be, but in a world that allows me to be a million different things, how do I know which is right? In times when I do struggle like this, I find it best to know that God's way and view of me is truly the only one that matters.

"and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness."

Ephesians 4:24

How can I expect to be someone I'm not? It will never work to try and validate myself by others, because I will never win. There will always be someone who is something I'm not or want and honestly who can uphold those standards? I don't think I'll ever have it all figured out, but it's nice to know that at the end of the day, I can only be who I was made to be; Uatchet Ap-taui Ra, the not really Egyptian, crazy, loud, independent, loving, and free-spirited woman that is made perfect in God's image.

"All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself." ~Ralph Ellison